have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize