Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
