does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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