so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize