Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
