took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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