Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
