Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
