So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
