tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
