im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
