i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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