I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
