I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
