did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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