I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
