Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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