a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
