Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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