Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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