so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
