im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
