and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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