I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
