Ketchup is God's man juice
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
