i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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