it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
