that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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