my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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