bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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