kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
