Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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