my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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