Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
