please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
