dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
