If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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