I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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