if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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