i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
