Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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