She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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