Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
