I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
God I need to hump something, right now.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
