Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
