Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
