dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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