I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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