I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
