Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
why does every cop we meet know your name?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
