It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize