true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
