I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
