Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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