Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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