Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize