From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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