I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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