Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
