my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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