Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
