Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
