I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
