I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
