Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
