everyone is single if you try hard enough
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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