Fine. I'll sleep in my office
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
