He had one of those small greek statue penises
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
