Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
time to smoke my breakfast
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Randomize
